Those Buns Better Be Gluten-Free, Uzumaki
by neyruto
Summary: Everyone's favorite orphans go on a date together and it ends badly.


_**those buns better be gluten-free, uzumaki**_

I wrote this because im gay

It wasn't that Sasuke Uchiha was embarrassed by his relationship with Naruto. He did like him. He was more bothered by the fact that months before they decided to call it official their friends had teased them about the inevitability of them getting together, so that when they finally did Sasuke refused to let anyone in the village know anything about it. And while Sasuke was content with staying inside for their dates, Naruto was the one who wanted to get the full experience of dating and have Sasuke wine and dine him, in public, for everyone to see. The "teasing" often escalated to threats of violence directed toward him but Naruto's fifth grade education prevented him from understanding why the villagers would protest a male/male relationship for reasons other than "Sasuke Uchiha was the hunk of the town and Naruto Uzumaki could barely understand fractions."

Not that Naruto thought Sasuke was a hunk or nothing. Fuck that noise.

After months of excuses Sasuke finally broke down and agreed to a discreet dinner, as far away from the village borders as they could get without requiring a visa. The only problem, and excuse, left was the fact that Sasuke suffered from a terrible wheat allergy that left him with uncontrollable diarrhea for hours, the worst that Naruto had ever seen. A hundred times worse than when Naruto drank milk three months expired. Imagine an ice cream truck tipping over and gallons of rocky road spilling out. This was never a problem when his boyfriend cooked for him but what would happen in public? Would there be a special gluten-free menu? Would there even be anything he could eat? Would those piece of shit chefs accidentally trigger his allergy by not cleaning the fucking dishes correctly? Sasuke's lip quivered and he glanced toward the boy walking alongside him. He decided he could risk the explosive ass-volcano he would most likely suffer if it really made Naruto happy.

"Yo, asshole is the restaurant close or what?" Naruto tried to grab Sasuke's hand in his but Sasuke shyed away. They weren't so far from the village that he was willing to let down any of his defenses.

"This is a nice restaurant, cum nugget, it's going to take us awhile to get there. The food will taste better if we work a little for it." when sasuke was sure no one was looking he draped his arm across Naruto's shoulders, pulling the boy in close.

"Hey! I'm not a girl, ya know? You don't have to put your fucking claws all over me like I'm a little princess that needs protection, dickhead." Naruto tried to push sasuke off but the other boy intercepted, jumping behind Naruto and pinning his arm behind him.

"Swear to god, Uzumaki," Sasuke took a deep breath and pushed himself forward for added emphasis, "if your loudmouth ruins this dinner tonight I refuse to ever be seen in public with you again. if things do not go just the way I planned I will shove an entire bottle of laxatives down your throat so that you might experience the same hell I do whenever you accidentally," he pushed forward again "forget to use the wheat-free soy sauce on my rice." with Sasuke consumed by his seething rage Naruto managed to break free, spin around and knee him in the crotch. In the split-second the ebony orphan was distracted by his achy-balls the fatter orphan managed pull his face close, and give him a sloppy-ass kiss. With a promise that this would be the best date Uchiha had ever been on he ran ahead.

* * *

He had almost gone a whole mile before he realized that he wasn't being followed anymore. Sasuke had kept a pace behind him as they jumped from tree to tree for hours and now he could only hear one set of feet, his own. He leapt toward the ground. Somewhere along the way Sasuke had stopped, and would probably be waiting for him with a shit-eating smile on his shit-eating face. Kicking up a dirt storm and cursing the Uchiha name he begrudgingly turned back. Next week he would definitely switch the soy sauce.

* * *

He found his boyfriend picking at his nails leaning against the wall of an upscale restaurant. Sasuke was nervous about the date, he could tell, but Naruto decided not to comment. Sensing Naruto's presence, sasuke looked up with a half-smile that immediately turned to a scowl once he took in the sight of him. Naruto's nice dinner outfit that he had picked out for special occasion was covered in leaves and mud. Sasuke grabbed him by the collar.

"You shit-nerd, you retched piece of shit," Sasuke growled while he violently brushed the dirt off the front of the tuxedo, "Do you know how much this suit cost me?" Naruto's face flushed in angry embarrassment. "Can your tiny brain even comphrend the value of something like this? No, because I know for a fact that you think it's okay to use my custom-tailored shirts as cup holders." He said, with a final tug at Naruto's sleeve.

"Why don't you fucking brush my hair while you're at it?" Naruto screeched. A couple sitting outside looked at him with concern, wondering if they should have picked somewhere to eat inside instead. Sasuke, oblivious to Naruto's embarrassment, nodded as he pulled out a small comb. Naruto flicked it out of his hand before he could bring it anywhere near him and grabbed him by the shoulder, pushing him toward the frightened maître-d.

"TWO," Naruto realized he was yelling, "Two. Party of two. It should be under the name Uchiha or **pissy pants boy**." he was also wheezing.

They got to their table without incident and Naruto was finally able to calm down once the waiter had brought out their first round of drinks. Swallowing his seven-up with the force of a hurricane he smiled at Sasuke as though nothing had happened. For all Sasuke knew, Naruto might have already forgotten anything had. He smiled back, anyway. He glanced at the menu, pleasantly surprised that they had in fact had a special menu listing all of the gluten-free options they had, as well as meals free from the seven most common allergens! This date was already going far better than he had planned. He knew better though, this feeling wasn't going to last much longer.

With their appetizers the waiter brought out a complimentary plate of steaming fresh-baked rolls. His eyes narrowed at the plate.

"Hell YEAH!" Naruto whooped, grabbing three for himself. He held the butter knife in his mouth and with so much force that you'd think he'd been starved for weeks, buttered the rolls. In no time flat he had inhaled the first two and was about to swallow the third when he noticed Sasuke at the other end of the table, red in the face. He offered him a grin, and a freshly buttered roll.

"Hey piss piglet, wanna bite?"

Time stopped in that moment, not even Sasuke Uchiha could have predicted this happening. It was as though the entire world around him had frozen. His body shook as he brought his hand toward to Naruto's offering. He gripped the blonde's wrist instead.

"Naruto Uzumaki, if you value your life in any way you will put down that baked good."

The butter knife fell onto the floor with a clang. Heads turned toward the couple. Naruto's perturbed glance turned into a look of horror as he looked back and forth between the bread and sasuke.

"Shit," he stood up.

"Shit Sasuke, oh my god…I'm so sorry." Naruto walked over to sasuke who sat shaking in fear. When he reached out the other boy recoiled and whimpered.

"Y-you have crumbs on you" as his voice quivered Sasuke gripped at the sides of the table, his trembling hands causing it to quake like a rabid washer/dryer. Images of his clan's murder flashed through his mind. Naruto stared in disbelief as Sasuke's sharingan swirled like the second rinse cycle. Before Naruto could stop him he hoisted it over his head and threw it across the room.

* * *

At least the restaurant was in a town so far out of the leaf village limits that little things like "lifetime banishment" didn't mean much. It did mean that they were going to have to find something else to eat. Naruto, proud that this time it hadn't been him in trouble and Sasuke, too proud to ever admit he was the one at fault, headed toward Konohagakure. Maybe later Sasuke would be able to enjoy some of Naruto's totally gluten-free buns. (His ass)


End file.
